What alien planet am I on???
Because this does not seem like Earth.
In Arizona, we did not have dementor spiders that double in size every time they suck the soul out of an enormous, bulbous beetle.
We did not have giant earwigs with razor-edged pincers.
There were no long-bodied cellar spiders, creatures that look like daddy longlegs but aren't because their legs are firmer and pointer and can get LONGER THAN MY FATHER'S FINGERS.
And the mosquitos are huge and scary and vicious.
So. Who wants to come visit?